Inhibition is any kind or worry or embarrassment or a negative narrative inside our head that is preventing us from feeling relaxed and spontaneous.
Unfortunately Inhibitions are killers of pleasure and passion.
While sex is a physical act of intimacy and a bodily expression of love ….we cannot ignore the importance of our Psychology during sex.
If orgasm and sexual pleasure are the tip of the iceberg, I would say your psychology is the significant mass below this surface. It’s the real determinant of how your sex life will turn like.
Your psychology on Sex and The way you perceive sex related issues, along with the variety of emotions you associate with sex, are, in fact, the force behind your ability to enjoy sex and to orgasm altogether.
Let’s have a look at some of the possibilities behind why many of us are not able to enjoy and/or reach an orgasm during sex:
About TIME: “it will take too long and I might never actually cum!”
Pressure is the enemy of pleasure. We women are programmed to be almost sex objects in bed….to impress…to seduce…to please. But when it comes to our own pleasure, we become careless…we put ourselves last. We are not subjects we are objects.
The problem with neglecting our needs, is that they don’t forget us…there will come a time where you will feel you have wasted your life trying to please your man…and that you never actually get the same treatment, that you never experienced the pleasure everyone else is talking about. You start to even have doubts whether you are at all a sexual creature or you are abnormal.
This feeling does not go away…it will hunt you until you will start to resent your partner and by that time you either will associate sex with an obligation or a chore…creatively making up excuses to run away from sex.
Or you will resent your husband for not pleasing you…and start fantasizing about an affair.
In all cases…you need to give yourself permission to enjoy sex…to be sometimes selfish. To take all the time you need. Because you deserve to enjoy without any ‘deadline‘.
And this won’t happen unless you are prepared to explore your pleasure. And this will take time ..Which is totally OK!
You should “cum first” sometimes. It’s not selfish. Its self-love.
If you don’t allow yourself to be pleased in sex without limitations, you are setting yourself up for sex aversion…you will come to hate sex one day.
So ditch the clock and focus on the pleasure and how to optimize it. And remember; a good partner will never mind pleasuring his wife and making her relaxed in every possible way.
Confusing “sexual pleasure” with “orgasm”
Sexual pleasure is not equal orgasm. The two concepts are not synonymous…Many women evaluate the quality of their sex life on orgasm alone.
Which is unfortunately a truly pleasure killer.
Orgasm takes 7 to 15 seconds. So to resume your whole sexual pleasure to those seconds is really a ridiculous thought.
Not just this thought creates unnecessary pressure to reach orgasm, but adopting this way of thinking, will inevitably prevent you from ever achieving any potential orgasm.
By definition, orgasm is a result of build-up pleasure and excitement that lead to a peak. The orgasm is that Peak.
How can you focus on the peak without having to enjoy the process leading to it?!
How can one build “pleasure” when there’s a “pressure” to reach the End?
Most women do not orgasm every time in sex anyway. Orgasm portrayed in the movies, in every single sexual scene…has led us to believe that this is the norm. It’s definitely not.
Besides, sex is a full world of wonders…to enjoy sex should be the main goal to all of us. To be creative…to enjoy every touch….to play a role….the surprises….the kink…..the anticipations…the talks…those are the best parts of sex..
Those are what makes sex intimate and almost an expanded state of consciousness…if sex was all about ORGASM…Then most of us would have substituted sex with masturbation…don’t miss out on the beauty of “intimacy”.
In short, when it comes to sex and orgasm…don’t pressure yourself to reach the END…the process is everything.
And if you insist on reaching an orgasm. Then bear in mind:
“The journey IS the Destination.”
“Sex is haram!!”
“Sex is such a dirty animalistic act”
“Men are sexual creatures. They need women to fulfill them…but the opposite is not true”
“A woman who demands orgasm is just another slut!”
Those are just little examples of beliefs engraved in our subconscious, as a result of early conditioning by our parents, by culture, or by subliminal messages from media and movies.
Unfortunately those kind of beliefs have no positive impact on the way we, women, perceive sex.
If sex is often associated with dirty, immoral, sinful, shameful and exclusively a male behavior…then you have probably killed all your chances to ever enjoy sex.
Fear of punishment alone is an invitation to get extreme in our behavior towards sex.
We either totally abstain or miss out on our given right to enjoy (Repressed sexual desires are reasons behind anxiety and depression and sometimes destructive defense mechanisms), Or we simply over indulge as a result of withholding libidos for too long…and that’s the other extreme of the spectrum.
We also prefer to remain ignorant when we assume that women are just receptors in bed.
If you believe you are born to be a sperm container Or To seduce and fulfill his needs ….and that’s it…
You are bound to stay passive and remain hateful and uninterested towards sex altogether… You might as well resent the whole male gender. Calling them horny creatures…s if sex is exclusive to men.
Your ignorance will open gates of hell, especially when your man manipulates it against you, if he is sexually dysfunctional.
And being ignorant about your own body, will never help you achieve pleasure nor self confidence in bed. You will lie there wondering when this awful sex will end so you can get along with your life!
That is not right…It should never be this way.
And if you believe that sex is priority for men only, you will link your desire to orgasm with feelings of “greed “and guilt…and once you create “ceilings” to your pleasure…you will waste any chance to expand sexually…to become better…to make sex a relaxation session rather than an obligation.
So orgasm becomes rather another “pipe dream”.
Remember that God/Nature/the universal force, have created you with many pleasure spots. With libido….with two orgasmic spots not one!
With a mind full of desires and creativity. You are entitled to pleasure, to sexual requests, to take all the time you need, and to be seduced by your man. You are equal to your man in sex. That’s the truth…you just need to believe it so you can actually feel it.
And needless to say, revisit all the thoughts that you have about sex and reconsider whether there’s any truth in them. Or were they simply another people’s beliefs forced upon you, while they make little to no sense at all.
There’s a reason why you look down on sex…and if you don’t get to the root of it.
You will miss out on pleasure and fulfillment.
If you do not deal with deep beliefs that associate sex in your mind with negative feelings, you will never be able to feel good about sexual pleasure and intimacy. Those are nature’s gift to you.
Educate yourself about your own body and be grateful those gifts come for free…you are not supposed to live your life hating them.
“A Threat to my Independence”
Many women find in Love a threat to their “independence”.
Any loving emotions arise in them fear and anxiety by triggering their attachment issues from the past. Especially those who were by any means deeply “emotionally hurt”.
Any kind of intimacy or emotional sexual relation will interfere greatly with their pleasure, leaving them feeling “vulnerable” and “anxious”.
In short, their “independence” is disrupted when “love” and emotions are in the picture. And in sex, this disruption affect their pleasure and performance and of course comes in the way of orgasm.
People with attachment disorders, commitment issues, are an example of those who cannot open up emotionally and at the same time enjoy sex. Their self-esteem is built only around their feeling of Independence. Love in sex becomes their deal breaker…making pleasure and orgasm impossible to achieve.
Comparing your sex life with others
The main problem with comparing your life with others, is the false assumption that you and the others are exactly alike.
When it comes to our anatomy down there, not one woman is exactly the same as another.
Our needs to enjoy and reach a climax are innately very different, partly because of our history, old programming, subconscious, and the way we relate to Sex, is completely unique to each one of us.
Not just this!
Our libidos, which is a term used to define our sexual appetite, vary from one person to another… some need more sex then others. It’s simply a matter of biology.
Also the way, pressure, pace and locations of sweet spots in our body. They are not all exactly the same…and they don’t all respond to pleasure with the exact intensity.
The relation with our partner outside of the bedroom too, will have a major impact on everything happening inside the bedroom.
Add to all those differences, the brain wash created by movies that suggest that women are sexual Wild animals all the time…when they are in love they are horny and need no foreplay….the aggression they manifest once they make love to their partner, the exclusive focus on vaginal orgasm without any mentioning to the most common orgasm among women (Clitoral), and the unquestionable short time in which women in movies reach orgasm, always coinciding with the man’s orgasm!!
And finally the screaming and moaning that comes with the orgasm…that is usually a very contradictory manifestation to the relative “silence “of real orgasms (your breaths slows and sometimes pauses…you moan gently… there’s no screaming!!
No wonder it’s called “le petit mort” in French (the little death))
It does resemble a death…a quite one if I may add!
In brief, comparing yourself with others means you believe in “rules” about sexual pleasure.
Rules are the enemy of Creativity and Novelty in sex.
And remember; not two women are the same when it comes to what they need in terms of sexual mind-set that turn them on, sexual preferences, physical touch, pace or pressure.
Difference is not a bad thing…its human.
That’s why sex is also either a compatibility or not, between a couple.
Those are examples of why people find it hard to achieve orgasm.
So dig deep inside yourself and especially inside your mind.
Once you are aware of why you do not enjoy sex. It’s fairly easy after that, to resolve any issues that interfere with your sexual life and fulfillment.
Awareness is the first step to reverse any issue…and open your mind to learn about yourself, rejecting all the rules that serves only as obstruction to your sexual maturity.
Only then you will find your own authentic path towards pleasure and orgasm.
By Sara Essam
Just a passionate person interested in Psychology,
self development, and sexual knowledge.